It felt like a nightmare. I was standing in front of a beautifully carved closed door, frantically trying to open it. But it was not opening. I was knocking and screaming. But nothing… I was not getting any answer.
I was stuck, obsessive and angry. Was I incapable, unworthy and a failure? Why was that closed door not opening for me? Why were others getting access to it? Why, not me?
I couldn’t explore anything else because I was stuck with this one. And it won’t open. And this was the only reason for my not moving on – because it won’t open. I had a vague idea that there was ‘That’ behind the closed door. And I wanted ‘That’ like others.
Finally, my ego couldn’t take anymore. So, I broke open the door. And enjoyed breaking the damn door. But when I broke the door, something broke in me too.
And what did I find behind the door? Nothing! A partially dark room with no outlet. It was stifling and suffocating. Those walls had imprisoned me.
Who was playing such ghastly tricks on me? I had seen a group of revelers go inside through the same door, just a while ago. I had heard blissful chanting from inside. They had all got ‘That’. But I was being denied! I felt unlucky and miserable.
Just then, I heard a voice. A shadowy character appeared in the empty room.
“What, how did this closed door open? Wow, there is nothing here!”
“I broke it open. Yes, there is nothing here for us. But I think others got access to ‘That’,” I said quietly.
“Ah, I see! This door wouldn’t open for me too so I moved on. And found ‘That’ through another door. I am glad I didn’t waste my time here. This door was never meant for me.”
“Why didn’t you come earlier? I wasted my time staying stuck and then breaking this damn door,” I cried.
“May be you were supposed to break it…”
The shadowy character disappeared and I stood there startled. “May be I was supposed to break it…!”
But how was I to go further from here? There were just four walls around me and no doors.
I had nothing to do so I started fixing the broken door. It felt good. Then I painted a bright red sign on that door using my lipstick.
If this door opens for you, it’s great! But if it doesn’t, that’s even better. Accept it and move on or you will be stuck.
It was funny. After years of struggle, anger, frustration, defeat, ego crush and emptiness I was doing some fixing job on the same door that had brought me so much misery.
Just then, I became aware of light in the room. There was a small closet towards the right wall. Light was coming through there.
With great effort, I said good bye to the now fixed door and entered the closet.
The closet opened to a corridor on the other side. There were many people and many doors. And they were all trying to open doors.
Unfortunately, everyone was busy knocking at the wrong doors. Some like me, were obsessed with the wrong door. Others were simply stuck.
But I had learnt my lesson. The only way to find ‘That’ was to move on and explore. My door was somewhere near. I felt like a little girl on a mission…
I was fearlessly liberated after a long time, open to every kind of experience in my journey towards ‘That’.
And the best thing was – I had learnt to gratefully say ‘Thank You’ to every door that was closing on me.
It was not a nightmare, rather a beautiful dream!
(Image courtesy Google)